This is the preamble for a new series I am titling, “Redbox Reviews.” The name is a bit uninspired because I am going to be writing about the uninspired, low-budget, direct-to-video films you can rent from kiosks named Redbox. You have probably seen them in front of pharmacies and in the anterooms of grocery stores, standing like large solicitors near the entrance hoping you will spend a few moments with them to consider their wares.
I do not remember when these glowing red vending machines first popped up, but I do remember going to them in late 2017. I was living in Walker, Michigan, a backwater strip mall town west of Grand Rapids. Conveniently, there was one down the road from my apartment complex. It was in front of a Walgreens, in a strip mall that also boasted a Little Caesars and a Boost Mobile.
On any given Friday or Saturday night I would decline the company of a beautiful woman and make my way down the road. I would pick up a Hot-n-Ready pizza pie, reach across the register to liberate a few jalapeno ranch dips when the worker turned to grab the eight slices of cardboard, and go next door to select a film of high artistic value.
Since then I have maintained my patronage of the Redbox. I am a firm believer in the magic of physical media and a lowbrow media zealot. Redbox, to me, is the modern iteration of skipping to the dime-store and picking up a pulp novel from the spinning wire racks.
I suppose you can watch many of the offered titles on streaming sites like Hulu and Tubi, the Mecca of cheap media, but where is the adventure in that? It is much more romantic to pop off to CVS and stand in gum and cigarette butts to rent a movie.
Lick your lips and suggest a Redbox run to a lover and watch how their every cell sparkles and vibrates. Any activity that gets you out of the house and into the local economy should be protected by federal decree. If we all call our representatives I am sure we can earmark a few million in the next budget. Redbox is too big to fail!
Redbox kiosks give the consumer a wide variety of choices. Families can select a familiar title. Perhaps they did not want to spend their hard earned coin at the theater to see the newest Marvel movie. They could simply wait a few months until it came to Redbox and rent it for a night at a reasonable rate after they picked up their child’s Vyvanse.
All the blockbusters are there willing and ready to satisfy. But for us renegades, there is another category of movie Redbox specializes in. They go by many names: the B-movie, exploitation, trash, etc. The history of this type of movie is storied and rich. You can probably read about it somewhere. In the context of our own times, I’ve started calling this type of movie the Redbox Movie. Basically, for the uninformed, these are the movies that are produced, cheaply, without consideration for things like plot, pacing, continuity, artistic merit, acting, and the list goes on. Very rarely can you see independent trash at your local multiplex so you must travel to the well that holds your water.
Sometimes these movies, as the saying goes, “are so bad they are good.” Some even reach beyond their humble means and touch upon the profound. Some, however, are just bad.
Maybe they are made for tax purposes. Perhaps Slovakia is running a good deal on a set that looks like Anytown, America. I am not an expert in the industry so I do not know the intricacies of movie production. All I know is that when I see a washed up actor in a movie where they play a small town sheriff investigating a string of unspeakably gruesome murders, I press play. Or even better, an ex-special agent reluctantly returns from their idyllic retirement to take down a giga-villain with extreme prejudice, I watch it as if I am in a graduate-level seminar.
I speak for many when I say we are a little jaded with the Hollywood system. It is a cavalcade of mega-budget bummers. Everything is a sequel, prequel, or God forbid a “reimaging.” The Redbox Movies are typically lukewarm originals (i.e. not part of existing IP) in their plots but cliched in delivery, or just wholly trite and hackneyed. They typically are aware enough of this though. Some follow the late, great Roger Corman formula: ripoff the success of a popular release with a cheap film of similar plot and theme.
These are movies that did not make it to theaters but still clawed their way, by hook or by crook, to be considered when you are skimming the options on the always difficult to use touchscreens of the Redbox.
So, dear reader you may be asking yourself, will that rash go away before beach season? No! Stay focused. You are asking what are some of the characteristics of a Redbox movie. Well, I am happy to take you by the hand and guide you down the sleazy corridor of this special classification.
Clues that indicate you just might be in the REDBOX UNIVERSE:
It is a genre film like action, adventure, mystery, and horror.
You have never, ever heard of it and are astounded at its existence.
It features a prominent Hollywood actor(s). They could be the star or just show up for a few minutes, give some exposition then leave you with the second string cast to mop up the baddie. Shameful!
Actors that have recently fallen into the Redbox movie category include Bruce Willis (poor guy), Mel Gibson (bad guy), John Malkovich, Kate Bosworth, Kelsey Grammer, and Michelle Monaghan. I’ve even seen Robert De Niro in a couple. I suppose when you father a child at 87 or whatever, you think of your progeny. Remember when Nic Cage had to star in a few dozen crappers a year to get the taxman off his back? Same deal here just with a different cast.
Seem to be marketed toward men aged 58-72.
The covers are distinct, headshots against a dark and gritty backdrop. The font is usually borrowed from a more popular movie. In fact, they look like satirical movie posters you would see in the background of ANOTHER movie like Tropic Thunder or the charming new release, The Fall Guy.
Now that I have edified, or perhaps done the opposite, you on the Redbox movie, I can tell you what to expect. Every now and then I will head to the Redbox to peruse and choose the most scintillating title that aligns with my Redbox seal of approval (patent pending). I will then wax poetic on what I found interesting, funny, or down right awful. I will create a proprietary review system for this particular series (patent rejected).